Trust Issues

I don't want to feel this way, really I don't. I just can't seem to stop these feelings from overwhelming me almost all of the time. I don't have a bad life. I have the most wonderful parents. An older and younger brother who are both great. Really good friends. A nice house. Really nice things. There's nothing left that I really need at the moment. Well except a job of course. That I definitley need.

I have been having some issues with my sister-in-law. She was just very hurtful to my whole family. She said a lot of mean things that she had no reason to go and say and she is still going over a week later. She even went off on me when I didn't even do anything to her. Absolutely nothing. How do you think that makes me feel ? I have known her basically my whole life. Started watching her 2 kids about 4 years ago almost every weekend. We became extremely close and much closer still when her and my brother got together and had an amazing little boy. I loved her and cared for her so much. She's 10 years older than me but we had a lot in common and did a lot of things together. We always had so much fun. I knew she had issues with her family, and her mouth, but she has never gone off on me or my family before. I trusted her completely. She is one of the last people I would have expected to treat me the way she did and say the things she said. Swearing at me and telling me to Eff off over and over again. She said a lot of other mean things but it's just way to much to get into. Then she had the nerve to apologize and expect me to forgive her 7 hours after all she said ! There was no way. I told her it was going to take a lot of time. The next week I was supposed to go with her somewhere and while I was there I said something about spending time with my brother and she said something about me being mad at her still and then starting going off and saying "Well are you mad at your father ?" She just totally went off. Again. She expects me to take sides and defend her and be pissed at my dad but he has been saying for years that it was only a matter of time before she turned on us and my mom and I didn't believe it. Well what do you know ? He was right. When she went off on me again I took off and just lost it. I was balling my eyes out and just screaming at the top of my lungs. My family and I have never had to deal with this kind of behavior before. I wasn't raised to treat people the way she is treating everyone around her. It's not normal and it's definitley not right. When you put that much trust into someone and completely let them in with no fear that they will ever treat you wrong; well it just hurts that much more when they do. A little fight is one things with someone you are close to, but completely ripping them out of your life and saying the most horrible things you can think of to them, over and over again. Well it just shatters you. Especially since she has my big brother who I love so much and who I have never fought with in my life. And lets not forget my nephew who is just 1 years old and lights up when he sees my dad, (his grandpa). And now he can't see him at all. It is just not fair. Things are never going to be the same again. As much as my "sister-in-law" wants things to be ok between me and her, they just won't be. Ever. She's playing tug-o-war with my feelings. She has flipped out on me and told me she doesn't need me or basically want me in her life and then apologize a while later for it. (Multiple times). She'll say she's sorry that I'm in the middle of all this and that she loves me but that I don't know everything that is going on because my mom isn't telling me everything. How would she know how much I know ? She doesn't. Im just ignoring her for now so she's not going off on me and then apologizing the next day and acting like it's not going to happen again. Yeah right. I can't take much more of this. I just can't lose my brother and nephews though. As much as I wish things could go back to the way they were and I could go on being close with her and having a good time, it's just never going to happen. It all just plain and simple sucks ! My family is broken and there is no fixing it.

It's not like I sit around all day and dwell on all of this. I try my best not to think about it. I'm not down 100% of the time. I can be happy. When I'm with people I love who can make me laugh I genuinely have a good time (Usually). When I get alone though, or am just not with the right people. All I do is think. It's not just about my family situation. Or the fact that I will be screwed if I don't find a job this month. I know it's not because I have been feeling this way for some time. I don't really think it's anything specific. I just get down and all I want to do is cry. It's worse now because who am I supposed to trust ? I feel so lost and with all that has happened it's hard to believe that someone else I'm close with isn't going to do the same things to me. Maybe not as harshly but still. Betrayal of any kind is enough. My parents I know wouldn't hurt me. Nor would ONE of my friends. The one I trust the most. She knows who she is and I love her so much. I truly believe I would be an absolute reck without her in my life.

Oh and talking doesn't help with me. I am no good when it comes to discussing my emotions or about what is bothering me. I'm better at listening. I'm the advice giver, ask any of my friends. When it comes to me I'm a pretty closed book. I know it's not good but it's not like I have much to say anyways because I don't even know what's wrong with me. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to try and push through and hope one day soon this dark cloud that's been hanging over my head for so long will disappear.