Afraid. But of What ?

I've never had a blog before so I'm not sure how this is going to go. I just need somewhere to vent about things. I can't take the people around me anymore. They all act so...Ugh i'm not even sure I can put it into words. I just wish I could leave and never look back. Too bad I can't. Every time I try to escape into my own little world and get away from it all I just get reeled right back in. I feel trapped. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. As my mom tells me, I have no ambition. As much as I hate to hear it and hate even more to admit it, it really is true. I think what it really is, is that i'm scared. I am completely terrified. I like being an adult, having responsibilities, being able to do what I want, when I want and without asking. But there have been many times in the past few years that I had wished that I could just go back to before I turned 18. I haven't been to school yet (college). I wasn't ready when I graduated. I am now but I really wish I would have gone as soon as I graduated. I'm scared to go. Like actually go. To class and stuff. I'd rather just go online. It's not because I'm anti-social or anything. It can't be because I like being around people and usually don't have a problem talking to strangers when I'm out but I'm just terrified. Of having to go to class and also of getting a real job. And I do not understand why. I've had a few jobs. At a place for a month when I was 15, an ice cream store for 2 summers and I worked at a camp with children all summer this year. So i'm not sure why I'm so scared to go find a job. If I don't though I am going to be completely screwed with my bills. My parents can't pay them for me and I wouldn't let them anyways. I don't think its right for them to. It's my responsibility. I refuse to screw up my credit. I don't want to be like that. Yet I keep procrastinating when it comes to finding a job. Another thing I just don't get is why I have no problem talking to people I don't know when I'm alone or with my friends but if I'm with any of my family I am so shy around strangers. It's weird. It's like Im afraid to show them that I can talk to people like a normal person. Like an adult should. I don't know. I'm so confused. And that stuff isn't even the half of it. There is so much else going on I just feel like exploding, then going into a corner, curling up into a ball and crying for an eternity. The women I babysat for, for almost 2 1/2 years, is one thing but my brothers wife, Oh My Gosh ! There is just soo much about them and I can't even get into it right now. It would take all night and I really should get to bed so I can get up in the morning and attempt to find a job. Wish Me Luck. And if you have any input into why I may be scared of the stupidest things that everyone in life has to do eventually anyways and usually have no problem doing then Please, let me know ! Thank-you for reading my first, sad and pitiful blog.