To the Mother who Gave me the Strength to go that Extra Mile

When asked what your relationship was like with your mother when you were a teenager what would you say ? Were you two close ? Did you fight a lot ? Did you tell her everything that was going on in your life at the time ?  I would say probably around 80% of teenagers were NOT close to their mothers. They probably fought a lot and told their moms next to nothing about their lives. I was not a part of this 80%. My mother and I were, and still are, very close.

I wasn't some goody two-shoes. I didn't do everything I was told. I definitely didn't get along with my mother 100% of the time. And I most certainly didn't tell her every miniscule detail of my life. But we didn't have the typical teenage-mother relationship that most people see and hear about now-a-days (Always arguing, being just plain mean, or paying no attention to any part of each others' lives). When I was younger I got very mouthy with my mom and we had some fights, but they were never so bad that it would cause things to shift between us. We've always remained close. I always came home from school and told her about my day; what I did, how my classes were, anything funny or bad that happened. Obviously I didn't tell her everything that happened with my friends. Like if we were out later than we were supposed to be, or when I started swearing, or the secrets my friends would make me promise I wouldn't tell anyone about. I did however tell her much more than my friends ever told their parents. I always talked to her when there was drama going on between people, or when I, or my other friends were fighting. When there were problems with people I would talk to my mom and ask her for advice. I didn't usually do anything wrong or cause any trouble. When I did though I usually felt so guilty that I'd end up fessing up to my mom not to long after. Like when I skipped my Biology class in 10th grade, I went home and told my mom right away. She didn't do anything about it. It's not like I had skipped class before. Besides I was usually a pretty good kid so I know she wasn't worried. She had, and still has, no reason to be. I've never done anything horribly wrong before. Never tried any kinds of drugs before. I'm still a virgin. And I've only ever drank twice in my life and it was one drink both times. My brother's; well they weren's so lucky. They let their friends and other things influence them. I've been around some shifty people before but I never let them influence me into doing the wrong thing. I'd like to thank my mother for that. Actually no, the credit for that should go to both my parents. It's because of them that I'm the person that I am today. I Love them so much. My mom and dad raised me and my two brothers to the best of their ability. They did a wonderful job teaching us right from wrong. You can't blame everything that goes wrong on the parents. My brothers and I were raised with so much love and in a really good enviornment. The rest is really left to up to the child. Sometimes you just can't help who they choose to hang around with. And you can't think and decide everything for them. In the end the decision is theirs. The path they choose to go down is eventually left up to them. You can only hope that you instilled enough good values in them so that they can choose the right path, or one day find their way back to it. I believe my parents have accomplished this. I just hope that one day my brothers will have the courage to return to the path that was originally set for them.

My parents are the most important people to me and I'm not sure how I am going to, one day, survive without them. =/ I dont feel like I'll be able to make it through it, but I know that with the help of my mother I will hopefully find the strength to pull through. I love you mommy and I would be lost without you. You encourage me to try new things and to be the best person that I can be.

The Remedy for Your Foul Mood

Feeling Down  ? Can't seem to get happy even though you have your closest friend over who always seems to be able to cheer you up ? Well I have the perfect remedy. Make her miserable ! Ok I don't really mean that. Well for the most part. Remember all those silly little shows you used to watch as a child ? The ones that if they came on now, you could STILL probably sing the words to the theme songs word for word ? Well go to youtube and look them all up and play them at full volume. One by one. Go crazy and laugh and sing along with them. You may get some seriously crazy and ridiculous looks from your friend, and she might just blast her own music and sing along to that; but it really is fun. Well actually, it probably wouldn't have been very fun if my friend hadn't been here to be like "Please No! Turn it off " and to give me some anagonizing, but funny, looks. It just made it so much more fun. She was just encouraging me to keep going without even knowing it !

Hah and now I'd just like to apologize to my friend for that torture session. But it did make me feel better, if only for that small period of time. And I Thank her for that ! (:

Trust Issues

I don't want to feel this way, really I don't. I just can't seem to stop these feelings from overwhelming me almost all of the time. I don't have a bad life. I have the most wonderful parents. An older and younger brother who are both great. Really good friends. A nice house. Really nice things. There's nothing left that I really need at the moment. Well except a job of course. That I definitley need.

I have been having some issues with my sister-in-law. She was just very hurtful to my whole family. She said a lot of mean things that she had no reason to go and say and she is still going over a week later. She even went off on me when I didn't even do anything to her. Absolutely nothing. How do you think that makes me feel ? I have known her basically my whole life. Started watching her 2 kids about 4 years ago almost every weekend. We became extremely close and much closer still when her and my brother got together and had an amazing little boy. I loved her and cared for her so much. She's 10 years older than me but we had a lot in common and did a lot of things together. We always had so much fun. I knew she had issues with her family, and her mouth, but she has never gone off on me or my family before. I trusted her completely. She is one of the last people I would have expected to treat me the way she did and say the things she said. Swearing at me and telling me to Eff off over and over again. She said a lot of other mean things but it's just way to much to get into. Then she had the nerve to apologize and expect me to forgive her 7 hours after all she said ! There was no way. I told her it was going to take a lot of time. The next week I was supposed to go with her somewhere and while I was there I said something about spending time with my brother and she said something about me being mad at her still and then starting going off and saying "Well are you mad at your father ?" She just totally went off. Again. She expects me to take sides and defend her and be pissed at my dad but he has been saying for years that it was only a matter of time before she turned on us and my mom and I didn't believe it. Well what do you know ? He was right. When she went off on me again I took off and just lost it. I was balling my eyes out and just screaming at the top of my lungs. My family and I have never had to deal with this kind of behavior before. I wasn't raised to treat people the way she is treating everyone around her. It's not normal and it's definitley not right. When you put that much trust into someone and completely let them in with no fear that they will ever treat you wrong; well it just hurts that much more when they do. A little fight is one things with someone you are close to, but completely ripping them out of your life and saying the most horrible things you can think of to them, over and over again. Well it just shatters you. Especially since she has my big brother who I love so much and who I have never fought with in my life. And lets not forget my nephew who is just 1 years old and lights up when he sees my dad, (his grandpa). And now he can't see him at all. It is just not fair. Things are never going to be the same again. As much as my "sister-in-law" wants things to be ok between me and her, they just won't be. Ever. She's playing tug-o-war with my feelings. She has flipped out on me and told me she doesn't need me or basically want me in her life and then apologize a while later for it. (Multiple times). She'll say she's sorry that I'm in the middle of all this and that she loves me but that I don't know everything that is going on because my mom isn't telling me everything. How would she know how much I know ? She doesn't. Im just ignoring her for now so she's not going off on me and then apologizing the next day and acting like it's not going to happen again. Yeah right. I can't take much more of this. I just can't lose my brother and nephews though. As much as I wish things could go back to the way they were and I could go on being close with her and having a good time, it's just never going to happen. It all just plain and simple sucks ! My family is broken and there is no fixing it.

It's not like I sit around all day and dwell on all of this. I try my best not to think about it. I'm not down 100% of the time. I can be happy. When I'm with people I love who can make me laugh I genuinely have a good time (Usually). When I get alone though, or am just not with the right people. All I do is think. It's not just about my family situation. Or the fact that I will be screwed if I don't find a job this month. I know it's not because I have been feeling this way for some time. I don't really think it's anything specific. I just get down and all I want to do is cry. It's worse now because who am I supposed to trust ? I feel so lost and with all that has happened it's hard to believe that someone else I'm close with isn't going to do the same things to me. Maybe not as harshly but still. Betrayal of any kind is enough. My parents I know wouldn't hurt me. Nor would ONE of my friends. The one I trust the most. She knows who she is and I love her so much. I truly believe I would be an absolute reck without her in my life.

Oh and talking doesn't help with me. I am no good when it comes to discussing my emotions or about what is bothering me. I'm better at listening. I'm the advice giver, ask any of my friends. When it comes to me I'm a pretty closed book. I know it's not good but it's not like I have much to say anyways because I don't even know what's wrong with me. I guess it's just something I'm going to have to try and push through and hope one day soon this dark cloud that's been hanging over my head for so long will disappear.

Afraid. But of What ?

I've never had a blog before so I'm not sure how this is going to go. I just need somewhere to vent about things. I can't take the people around me anymore. They all act so...Ugh i'm not even sure I can put it into words. I just wish I could leave and never look back. Too bad I can't. Every time I try to escape into my own little world and get away from it all I just get reeled right back in. I feel trapped. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. As my mom tells me, I have no ambition. As much as I hate to hear it and hate even more to admit it, it really is true. I think what it really is, is that i'm scared. I am completely terrified. I like being an adult, having responsibilities, being able to do what I want, when I want and without asking. But there have been many times in the past few years that I had wished that I could just go back to before I turned 18. I haven't been to school yet (college). I wasn't ready when I graduated. I am now but I really wish I would have gone as soon as I graduated. I'm scared to go. Like actually go. To class and stuff. I'd rather just go online. It's not because I'm anti-social or anything. It can't be because I like being around people and usually don't have a problem talking to strangers when I'm out but I'm just terrified. Of having to go to class and also of getting a real job. And I do not understand why. I've had a few jobs. At a place for a month when I was 15, an ice cream store for 2 summers and I worked at a camp with children all summer this year. So i'm not sure why I'm so scared to go find a job. If I don't though I am going to be completely screwed with my bills. My parents can't pay them for me and I wouldn't let them anyways. I don't think its right for them to. It's my responsibility. I refuse to screw up my credit. I don't want to be like that. Yet I keep procrastinating when it comes to finding a job. Another thing I just don't get is why I have no problem talking to people I don't know when I'm alone or with my friends but if I'm with any of my family I am so shy around strangers. It's weird. It's like Im afraid to show them that I can talk to people like a normal person. Like an adult should. I don't know. I'm so confused. And that stuff isn't even the half of it. There is so much else going on I just feel like exploding, then going into a corner, curling up into a ball and crying for an eternity. The women I babysat for, for almost 2 1/2 years, is one thing but my brothers wife, Oh My Gosh ! There is just soo much about them and I can't even get into it right now. It would take all night and I really should get to bed so I can get up in the morning and attempt to find a job. Wish Me Luck. And if you have any input into why I may be scared of the stupidest things that everyone in life has to do eventually anyways and usually have no problem doing then Please, let me know ! Thank-you for reading my first, sad and pitiful blog.